I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
