apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Randomize
