I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
