my mouth tastes like poor choices
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
