I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
