you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Randomize
