Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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