he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
