eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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