guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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