Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
