Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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