Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
