I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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