I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
