tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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