a queef is a wish your heart makes.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
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