He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
