He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
