Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Randomize
