We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
