I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
