Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
