1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
