I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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