Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
