While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Is this like a preordered booty call?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
