So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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