and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
