Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
