His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
