found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
