My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
