"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
