Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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