I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
