Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
