I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
