I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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