We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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