It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I've blown a few things in my day
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
