I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
