just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
