theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
