Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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