I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
