he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
True strength comes from lack of pants
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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