So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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