The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
