she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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