Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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