$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
