how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
